Last Moments

After Caspian was born we felt an urgency to have a family picture taken.  After his 28 days in the NICU and his additional six weeks on oxygen we were just waiting for him to be able to hold his head up so he could sit a bit in the picture and show off his amazing smile.  Unfortunately we didn't get the chance before Caspian passed away.  A wonderful woman, Heidi Vawdry, volunteered her time to make sure we had a family photo.  We are so grateful.  These are the only pictures that have our whole big family of six.  We are so grateful to the staff and support team at Primary Childrens Hospital.  Without them we would have been completely lost through this transition.  We are especially grateful to the people who volunteered their time and talents.  Because of those people we have beautiful mementos of Caspian's last moments.  Footprints, hand molds, dolls, and best of all pictures, help us remember the beautiful last moments with our prince. 

Thank you to Heidi Vawdrey Photography for this slideshow.

Through it, we hope that you will feel the special spirit that was there at the hospital. As we struggled with how to say goodbye to our little prince and how to help our children understand and cope with their feelings, we felt inspired to have one more family home evening. We sang our favorite primary songs, said prayers together and talked about the sweet plan our loving Heavenly Father has for us. We talked about the time we spent together before we came to this earth, the purpose of our time here, and the beautiful knowledge that we will be together again. And of course finished up with one last family sandwich. We hope that you feel the same spirit of love and care that we do.

A Beautiful Year

     The last two weeks since the funeral of our little prince have been overwhelming. We miss Caspian every moment of every day and we doubt that time will change that. But, we are hoping that recording little details and feelings we are experiencing will help to heal our hearts and bridge the time until we see him again.  We hope that sharing this blog as a journal of thoughts, feelings, and memories, the good and the bad, will not only help us, but will be something others might look to for healing.

     We always joked that our life was perfect. We had the perfect family "two girls, two boys." As we have thought about our sorrow we have realized that we can't let it destroy our perfect family. We still have three amazing children here with us who need their mom and dad. We are finding that as we choose to focus on the tender mercies from the Lord our sorrow becomes more bearable. New Years Eve as we were driving to the cemetery, the lightest snow was falling. It glistened like glitter floating from heaven. It was beautiful. As we stood at Caspian's grave and looked out over the valley we saw paper lanterns drifting slowly up toward the clouds as if reaching for heaven. It was beautiful. We looked at our family here on earth and we saw how beautiful  it still is and we decided that this would be our beautiful year.

     We are looking forward to our beautiful year of healing, of love, and of togetherness. Today, we watched a video of Caspian laughing. It is beautiful. What a sound! Heaven must be full of giggling angel babies because there is no more joyful noise in all the world. When nothing else can soothe Mommy's sorrow this little ten seconds of laughter does. We are looking forward to the day when we will be with our little boy again, until then we will make a beautiful life for ourselves and our "perfect family."

The first ten seconds are the most beautiful sound in the world.

Make sure your volume is up!

Little Prince Caspian

Our little Prince Caspian was suddenly called to return to his heavenly throne 

Thursday, December 13th 2012. 

Caspian’s four beautiful months on this earth were a gift to his mommy Kelsey, his daddy Spencer, his older sisters Aliah (6), and Inara (4), and his older brother Kimball (2), whose sorrow at his passing cannot be expressed here.

Caspian was on earth just long enough to bless us with his beautiful laugh, touch us with his powerful spirit, and let us hold him so that we might feel his old soul. His eyes seemed a window to wisdom beyond his infant size and his smile shone with heavenly love.

It was said of him even before we knew how short his mortal stay would be that he was a rare spirit. Those who caught his stare would remark how deep he peered and how bright his eyes. It seems now that he was not meant to spend but a moment here on earth before returning to his heavenly home to attend to a more pressing mission.

Caspian was born Aug 9th but struggled to draw his first breath. Many prayers of faith and priesthood blessings on his behalf were offered pleading with God that he might stay. Miracle after miracle. A pulmonary edema (torn lung) closed overnight. A heart abnormality of great concern was later nowhere to be found.  An unknown infection that consumed his lungs, his spine and his blood was conquered by a fragile body with inexplicable strength. After several weeks under the watchful eye of talented physicians he finally was able to leave the hospital much to his mother’s delight. Although he continued to require some support and frequently visited specialists and his caring pediatrician for check-ups he seemed to be getting stronger and healthier with each passing day.

He was so unique. Unlike our other babies who were peaceful and quiet, Caspian adamantly insisted on always being held without exception. He was only content when he was cuddled close. He never fell asleep except in his mommy or daddy’s arms and would instantly wake when laid anywhere but by their side. Nothing could stop his cry but warm hands lifting him into a familiar embrace. Then with a smile of recognition cries turned to soft cooing and he would close his eyes once again to rest. Although fatigued from that constant care we are so grateful now that Caspian insisted we take full advantage of his time with us. We cannot say that we didn’t hold him often enough, or that we wished we had savored his time with us more. In his own little way he would not allow us to do anything less. He must have known that he was not meant to stay a day, but his mother’s faith and love won him four precious months. A gift that we will ever be grateful for.

We will miss our Caspian dearly. The time until we see him again will seem an eternity but we know that we will see him again and we imagine it will be a joyous reunion.